I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
