He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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