I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
