Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
