i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
