I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We are all done wearing pants today
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
