I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
