take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
