How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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