im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
