You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
