Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
