are you still at the devil's house?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
