i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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