dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
