my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
