Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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