I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
