if i can run in heels then i can drive
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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