I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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