Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
