I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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