got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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