mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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