we have pet lesbian snakes
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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