Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
