Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
