I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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