I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Who died my cat blue again?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
