I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
