You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
