I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize