The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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