That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
