Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
