I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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