He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
