Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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