Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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