i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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