All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
