I accidentally burped into my bong.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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