theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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