I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
