Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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