I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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