Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
