I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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