He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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