We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
