That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
