matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
