I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
