cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
