i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Holy shit dude........stairs
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