I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
