Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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