Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
