I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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