so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
