I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
