Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
