so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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