The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
